Dear Friend,
I’m writing this to be honest about a pattern I can no longer ignore. For a long time, you’ve treated me like competition rather than a friend. I’m done being the ‘extreme example’ you use to make your own choices look better by comparison.
It has become clear to me that you feel insecure and threatened by my independence and my strength; as a result, you try to bring me down to a level where you feel more comfortable. Whether it was pointing out my age to men or questioning why someone was chatting me up instead of you, the message was clear: you see my value as a threat to your own. It isn’t ‘banter’ and it isn’t kind; it’s calculated.
It’s incredibly draining to realise that while I was being a friend, you were being a competitor. I didn’t ask to be a prop used to boost your ego, and I certainly didn’t ask for you to interrogate my interactions with other people. I recently addressed this with you, and your response was that I’m ‘tough’ and you didn’t realise it was an issue. Let me be clear: I am not a punching bag. Why on earth would a true friend ever feel the need to put me down in the first place? Being ‘strong’ doesn’t give you a license to be unkind.
The situation with my ex was the final indicator of where your loyalties truly lie. When I told you my ex claimed to have seen an intimate video of you – shown to him by your own partner – I was flagging unacceptable, disrespectful behaviour in both men. Instead of standing with me in shared disgust, you chose to offer them excuses. That told me everything I needed to know.
When my ex tried to claim he ‘forgot’ he’d even told me about the video, it was a blatant lie to avoid accountability – a running theme which led to our relationship demise in the first place. When I pointed this out to you, your first instinct was to ask if he was drunk; yet another excuse he didn’t deserve. He wasn’t drunk, and I had made my disgust clear to him multiple times. By looking for reasons to justify his behaviour instead of supporting me, you betrayed our friendship.
I am a loyal, honest person who values my mental health. When I refuse to tolerate disrespect or ‘flip-flopping,’ I am not being difficult – I am being self-respecting. Even after your apology, you told your partner that I ‘don’t put up with shit’ and I’m ‘not like other women.’ You may have intended that as a compliment, but you were actually labelling me ‘abnormal’ for having boundaries. Perhaps the real question is why you think other women should have none.
Why should any woman accept being treated poorly? Why is the bar so low that having standards makes me ‘dramatic’? It seems that male validation is your priority, and you’re willing to sacrifice the ‘sisterhood’ to get it. When you say ‘men are just like that,’ you’re participating in internalised misogyny. I’m interested in equality and mutual respect, not being subservient or making myself small to keep a man comfortable. I am done with being the ‘extreme example’ you use to make your own choices seem more reasonable.
For the sisterhood!